Today I’m having a movie night, so when I got up early this morning, which I’ve been doing both in an effort to be on time for work without rushing too much and in preparation for getting up at 4:00 am to go to the airport. I wonder if I could do an office job for years and years. It’s making me reconsider what I want to do for a living. I want to work at a publishing company, but maybe I should work from home or something. The fluorescent lights, the hours spent talking on the phone, they really get to me. However, I realize that loving what I do would be waaaay different than working with health insurance. I want to bear my soul on here, but I’m not used to being that honest. I know that this is for me, and maybe I should just make it private, but I can’t help but feeling like I shouldn’t write about things that are interesting only to me, like my hopes and fears for the future. I am totally happy with the way that my life in looking in the future, but I kindof feel bad for the fact that when I’m done at school, I will most likely be moving away without my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a year and a half, not a huge chunk of my life in the long run, but we have one of those relationships where even after the six-month mark, supposedly the end of the “honey moon phase”, we’re still crazy about eachother. I wonder sometimes if we’re really happy or just codependent. But I keep moving forward in this relationship, we’re so close, and yet it seems like the end is in sight, so why would we keep getting closer if it’ll just be that much more painful when we’re apart. But is that any way to live life, without loving to your full capacity just because you’re too young for it to last forever? I feel so selfish when I know that he wants to be with me and only me, but yet I can see my life beyond my relationship with him and it’s looking good. If we could stay together that would be great, but what if we’re just too different? I want to do something important with my life and I want to travel a lot and I want to do charity work and change the world. He just wants to lead a happy, comfortable life. I think I just want more from life than he does, but I wonder if he’s more likely to be happy than I am. But I’m doing pretty good so far. I moved out just before I turned eighteen, so it’ll be 3 full years at the end of August that I’ve been on my own and so far no big mistakes. I mean, pride comes before a fall, and I sure as hell haven’t been perfect, but I haven’t thrown my life drastically off course. I’m getting my degree in writing, I’m getting some good experience on my resume, and I’m becoming myself a little bit more everyday. I love finding out people’s imperfections because it allows me to feel like I have more in common with them. I used to feel so sure of myself all the time, probably because I was in such a small pond, but now, especially since I work with people twice and three times my age and go to school with people far more studious than myself, I always feel self-conscious about sharing opinions and thoughts for fear that someone knows more on the subject than I do and will expose my ignorance. I wish I could pause life and read all the books to be read and then come back and do a much better job of living my life. I want more time to myself to cook, run, read, build, and be by myself, but I don’t want to spend any less time with my boyfriend. I just want more time. Or, alternatively, I could quit my second job. I love it, I really do, but it’s such a commute and I don’t love that. I would miss the kids, but I would LOVE the time alone. At least I think I would. Sometimes I think I’d love something, but then when I get what I want I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know if I could really afford to lose the money. I also think I would miss the kids too much. And I’d be jealous of whoever got to spend time with them. I love being the one they tell about their day at school and they talk about the books they’re reading with and I love teaching them all about the world and hearing the riddles they make up, which are almost always some sort of reworking of a riddle I told them at one point. I should make a pro/con list, but more likely that would just tell me that I have to make the decision myself. Maybe I’ll set a dollar amount for my savings and if I reach that I can quit and if I don’t I can’t. Or maybe I should count my blessings, realize that I do love the job and that that is rare, and stick with it even though I don’t like the commute.
